The Birthday Pee

August 26, 2012

So, yesterday was my nephew’s Birthday.

My nephew, of course, does not come from my 20 year old Sister, Molly. But instead comes from my 35 year old brother, Andre. Andre is married to an awesome sister-in-law, Joy. Together, they have two sons: Lance and Austin. My nephews. I am Uncle Brian. Which is kind of cool.

So, yesterday was Lance’s Birthday.

He was turning three, he was definitely old enough to realize it was his Birthday and to understand what that meant. You can imagine his excitement. Presents. Cake. Everyone being there just for him. I think the most common phrase uttered from his mouth was probably: “Can I open presents now?” I’m certainly not trying to imply that Lance is spoiled, he’s not. He’s just very excitable.

Anyway, the party was great. It was held at our house and we just had a couple family members and friends over to celebrate. The guacamole was good (which is saying a lot, coming from me). Dinner was brilliant. The pool was a nice temperature for the guests to swim. And the day was bright and sunny. A perfect 3rd Birthday party.

Much to Lance’s great appreciation, it was eventually time to open gifts. He opened a few bags and packages, finding clothes, a few Cars toys, books, and a couple water guns. A good haul. After presents, Molly started cutting up the amazing cake she’d cooked earlier that day. (Molly is amazing at making deserts. Maybe I think that because it’s what I grew up with, but I love any cake, brownie, cupcake, batch of puppy chow, pudding, cookie, sweet bread, or Jell-O that Molly makes. I think they’re the best.)

There we were, just a handful of us, sitting at the dinner table. A few people were still mingling outside, including some of Lance’s friends who’d come to the party. At one point, my Mom and I just happened to look up and out the window to see one of the toddlers trotting out onto the front lawn. We watched as the boy dropped his swimming trunks and started to pee…in complete view of everyone at the party and anyone driving down by the road. At first, it really wasn’t a big deal. I mean, he was just a little kid. But then everyone’s jaw dropped. This toddler’s stream, I kid you not, shot forward at least a good five feet. His stream was longer than he was tall. I just about peed myself, from laughing so hard. I’m serious, that kid watered our lawn so well, I don’t think we need to turn our sprinklers on for a while. For a second, I considered that maybe he had our garden hose in his hand? Or maybe one of Lance’s squirt guns? There was no way that such a small body could be peeing that far. But it was. When the kid finished, he bent down and pulled up his trunks and went on to keep playing.

Later, it was explained to us that the boy lived out in the countryside, peeing outside was pretty routine for him. Not that it really mattered. I mean, it made for a funny story, didn’t it? Oh well.

And so the party, pee included, was a success. It was great to see Lance so happy. He’ll only turn 3 once, right?

-Brian Wiegand (An Idiot, A Superman in training)


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