My Nose

September 21, 2012

I am the proud owner of a Roman Nose. Or as Wikipedia would have me call it, an Aquiline Nose. Personally, I prefer to call it a Roman Nose. It sounds more manly. I am the proud owner of a Roman Nose.

A Roman Nose, for those who may not know, is a nose with a highly prominent bridge. This gives the nose a beak-like quality. In other words, it means I have a huge schnoz. I have a big nose. And I love every last bit of it.

I love the fact that I can often easily see it in my peripherals. I love that it’s a little bit bent. I love the fact that the bridge is definitely prominent. I love that it has stories behind it. I love that I get to look in the mirror everyday and say…”Dang. That’s a big nose.”

I’m not saying I’ve got the biggest nose on campus. My friend Jeremy (my Cross Country Captain) certainly gives me a run for my money (and he knows it, too.)

It’s a “Barbra Streisand” kind of nose. The only problem is, I didn’t get the singing ability that she received when she got her nose. Whatever, Barbra. But I’m still proud to be up in the nose ranks with the Funny Girl herself.

My nose has stories behind it, too.

When I was in Seventh Grade and I fancied myself a hurdler on the Gull Lake Middle School Track Team (I was terrible), I tripped over a hurdle in gym class one day. See, I thought it would be really impressive if I jumped this hurdle while we were doing our little “gym warm-up jog” around the Track. I don’t quite know what I was thinking but I’m next to positive it was probably something along the lines of: “I hope everybody’s ready to see Brian frickin’ Wiegand jump this hurdle like a pro. It’s time to show everyone what I’ve been learning in Track the past few weeks. Oh man. Here it comes. Ladies, get ready to be impressed. Time to jump…Hey…isn’t that hurdle facing the wrong way…? OH SH-!” And I came crashing down. Right onto my nose, I kid you not. Right onto it. I had jumped a hurdle that was facing the wrong way and caught my foot on it. Instead of falling with me, and somewhat lessening the tripping effect of the tumble (like it would’ve if It’d been facing the right way), the hurdle stayed upright while my schnoz (and, I suppose, the rest of my body) got a vicious scrape and bruising.

And then, about a year later or so, I had a trampoline accident. Trampolines. They’ll get ya’. It was Jacob, Zach,Trevor, Logan, and I all on Jacob’s trampoline. I’m pretty sure it all started out as some harmless jumping…but, somehow, Trevor’s knee ended up hitting my face. Particularly, it ended up hitting my nose (a hard target to miss.) Trevor’s knee absolutely smashed my nose. At first, I stood up and tried to brush it off like it wasn’t that bad. (I suppose it really didn’t hurt too bad.) However, Jacob, Zach, Trevor, and Logan all gasped. My nose was spurting blood down my face. It wasn’t long till my lips and chin were colored dark red. It also didn’t take very long for Jacob to usher me inside and for my Mom to be phoned. Before I knew it, I was in the hospital(I’ve got a worry-wart for a Mom.) Luckily, I guess there wasn’t an extensive amount of damage done to my nose because the doctor said that it would only be something to worry about if I had trouble breathing. So far, I don’t seem to struggle when I inhale.

The last story I have to tell about my nose is the story of my first kiss. It was sometime in my 6th Grade year…

So, I have this neighbor, Jason, right? And when we were younger, these two girls, Lennon and Taylor, used to come over to his house all the time because they were babysat by his older sister, Tina. Taylor and I were…dating, if you could call it that. I mean, we were in 6th Grade. What the heck did we know about dating? Anyway, one thing I suppose we did know about people that were dating is that they kissed. And so, we had to do that too, right?

One night, we were over at Jason’s house. Jason was off on the computer somewhere and Taylor and I were sitting alone on a couch. Now, a reminder: We were in 6th Grade. So, you can imagine how awkwardly nerve-wracking it all was. I sat there for what seemed like an eternity, not ready to make any sudden movements. Finally, I decided to just go for it. But I was so nervous. I moved quickly. Too quickly. Way too quickly…

SMACK!

I crushed my nose hard into Taylor’s. My gigantic nose was getting in the way of my first kiss. So, in my panic, I quickly extended my lips as far as they’d reach…and gave Taylor a quick peck. Then I beat a hasty retreat.

And that is how an Idiot gets his first kiss.

I love my nose. I love my Roman Nose. I’m the proud owner of a Roman Nose. I get to see it and it’s prominent bridge every morning in the mirror. I get to sneeze with it. I get to scratch it. I get to wipe it with Kleenex in the Winter. I get to pinch it when I go under water. I get to smell with it. And I get to own it. I get to own my titanic nose. My Roman Nose.

Whether I’m smashing it into the Track…or Trevor’s knee…or Taylor’s nose…I love my nose. It’s my big ol’ nose. And I wouldn’t have it any other size.

-Brian Wiegand (An Idiot, A Superman in training)

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